Le sigh...

So a lot of things are bugging me and I feel the need to complain, I'm sorry but I must.

I am quite pissed off that I have a potentially cracked rib and mom claims that we don't have enough money to go to the doctor. It hurts, so bad and it's causing me to be somewhat immobile...which I hate.
It's a result of kickboxing and I refuse to let this injury end my kickboxing.
Damn it.
I'm really upset over this.
And I know, that at Thanksgiving, Mark and J.J. will start something that causes a fight and I will most likely receive further harm.
P.S., Mark and J.J. are my asshole cousins who always are picking on me.

Also bugging me is the deep rubbling in my stomach. It's not that gross, icky time and I'm growing concerned with the intensity of the pain. I don't like the noises either.

I hate that it's hunting season, I want to cry every time I see a status stating the kills of the hunters.
Poor animals, this season it's deer. It reminds me of Bambi.
Stupid hicks.

I can't get comfortable and I'm sore/tired even though I slept from around 9:30 pm last night to 3:30 pm today.
What the hell is wrong with me?

On the bright side, I learned something very helpful in Physics that is relevant to boxing.
Every time you throw a punch and don't come into contact, the energy wasted is more than if you contact something. So in boxing, you want to only kick and hit if you'll make contact.

Watching UFC is making me miss fighting, I won't be fighting for at least three weeks due to the rib cage injury. I know it is at least bruised, making it a risk for further injury.

The injury also sucks because I can't work out and well...it's Thanksgiving and I'm probably going to stuff my face.

I think I'm going to go lay down, sitting hurts and I'm tired. I may go play video games.
Who knows?

So, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry but I can never stick to set things.
I'm spontaneous and I'll admit it, a bit unreliable.
Okay, I had to scratch that out because I know I really am reliable.
I just don't like structure and I am a rebel  =P

SEE!

I edited this =D It's Kiara and I. I'm Ms.Dark Clothes, No Jacket. Hahaha.
We're high schoolers but I bet you couldn't tell. And yes, I am in/on the baby seat.

We went to the park today.

Oh and I'm starting to exercise a lot more
In example, I walked all over town today, which was lovely with Kiara, Kelsey, and my sister.
I've also been really into PE. I'm one of the best handball goalies ever.

But yeah.

I'm sorry, this just isn't my thing.

Day 5- Favorite Legend.

This one is a urban legend, called the Clown Statue.

A girl is babysitting two little girls and after the girls are sent to bed, they go to the babysitter and tell her that the clown statue in their room is scaring them because it's gaze seems to follow them. They want to cover the statue so the babysitter calls the parents and asks if it's alright with them if she does so. The parents tell her to get the girls and call the cops because they don't have a clown statue.

The legend is sometimes furthered but that alone is pretty damn creepy haha.
I like it because it scares the pants off of me.

Day 4- Favorite Classic Movie

The Lost Boys!!!!
Omfg <3
Love it.

My mom and I's favorite scene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfXKGZo7RbE&feature=related

Michael: *Is bleeding*
Sam: "What did you do to my dog, you asshole?"

Day 3- Favorite Sad Song

Quick note: my apologies for my absence on Thursday, I spent the whole day sleeping because I am very sick. But I'm better now, having slept for awhile. So here you go! :)

My favorite sad song is Do What They Say by Korn.
For a long time, Korn was all I would listen to and this song struck so many cords to me.
It was how I felt for the longest time.

Walk away when you're angry
(Brace) Brace yourself, there's nothing to gain
(Old) Old enough to know the outcome
(Blood) More blood, it's always the same

Aren't we cool and aren't we calm?
For facing death, we run head on.
Aren't we cool and aren't we calm?
The God reservered false alarm.
Aren't we cool and aren't we calm?
For facing death, we run head on.

Do what they say
Or they take it away
I rather be dead than carry on

(Wait) Bite your lip, don't be cussing
(We must) We mustn't take God's name in vain
(In vain) Blunt your knife, pull the curtain
(Impulse) Impulses, you must refrain

Aren't we cool and aren't we calm?
For facing death, we run head on.
Aren't we cool and aren't we calm?
The God reservered false alarm.
Aren't we cool and aren't we calm?
For facing death, we run head on.
Do what they say
Or they take it away
I'd rather be dead than carry on

So I carry on with this burden
I can't remember anything
I can't be certain

Aren't we cool and aren't we calm?
For facing death, we run head on

Do what they say
Or they take it away
I'd rather be dead than carry on

Day 2- The Song I Relate to Most.

Goodnight, Travel Well
by The Killers
The unknown distance to the great beyond
Stares back at my grieving frame
To cast my shadow by the holy sun
My spirit moans, with a sacred pain

It's quiet now
The universe is standing still
And there's nothin' I can say
There's nothin' we can do now
And there's nothin' I can say
There's nothin' we can do now

And all that stands between the soul's release
This temporary flesh and bone
I know that it's over now
I feel my fadin' mind begin to roam

Every time you fought, and every time you tried
Every foolish dream, and every compromise
Every word you spoke, and everything you said
Everything you left me, rambles in my head

And there's nothin' I can say
There's nothin' I can do now
And there's nothin' I can say
There's nothin' I can do now

Up above the world, so high

Everything you loved, and every time you tried
Everybody's watching, everybody cried
Stay, don't leave me, the stars can wait for your sign, don't signal now

And there's nothin' I can say
There's nothin' I can do now
And there's nothin' I can say
There's nothin' I can do now

Goodnight, travel well

Goodnight, travel well

There's nothing I can say
Nothing I can do now

Goodnight, travel well

This song represents the struggle of life.

This means so much to me because it reminds me of my past.

I know it'll be like this in the future as well but we all get through it.

I love this sad, beautiful song.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

LIE!!!!

I mentioned her in my blog today ahahaha.

Day 1- Wishes and Wants.

     Wishes

• That I wasn't so sick
• That I wasn't so hateful
• That I could like myself
• That these wishes would come true.
• That I was pretty
• That I was more well-liked
• That I hadn't been so stupid in the past
• That I was smarter
• That I wasn't porr.
• That I could be alone when I wanted to.
• That I had never started cutting
• That the urge to cut wasn't so strong

     Wants

• Other side of my lip pierced
• Money
• To be published
• My tattoo
• Two tongue piercings
• My belly button pierced
• Ear piercings
• New clothes
• The Sims 3 and the expansions
• A violin and lessons

Day 7 of Growing Up.

I'm an impatitent person, as I am sure you are aware of, with all the mentionings of my birthday...Speaking of, 23 days =)
But what made me come to this realization was having to walk behind Lindsey Winetraub (Sp? Wait...I don't really care...). She is one of the most annoying people, oh my gah.
Why, you might ask? She never shuts up, she is slowww, she thinks she know everything, she thinks she should get special treatment because she's short, she dresses like a tourist, and she has a troll fro. OMFG >.<
I'd love nothing more than to beat her head in with a hair brush.
But yes, she was walking about a 1/4 a step an hour. I got mad because every time I tried to walk past her, she'd take a step in that direction.
Stupid waddling troll.

I don't really like my Journalism class, simply for the fact that the assignments and projects are bland.
I'm really mad that I didn't get Creative Writing. Especially since dumbasses like Dylan Dewitt and company get to be in it...It's not fair, IIIII could have used it for my writing.
I think their thought process was, let's not give it to the person who could actually use it...
Fuckers.

I hate this school, most of the people in it too.
Dumbasses, the majority =/
Like Trulie, she tried to look nice today but the cling of her shirt to her body made me cringe in disgust....
At least her hair was sort of nice...kinda...
Just hate that face and body of hers...so fat.

My eye sight is getting worse =/
I have to wait until about March to get examined again and that really sucks 'cause they're getting bad fast...
I NEED MY EYES!
Grr...

I know I'm whining a lot but I don't like the world, more so the people inhabiting it.
And I'm going to whine until it gets fixed, best way to ensure it gets fixed. Haha.

My eye color is changing again, yay =D
My eyes are hazel, so they change quite often.
Once I examined them and found: mostly green, quite a bit brown, specks of gold, glimmers of red, and lines of teel.
Colorful, teehee.
They're actually darker =D

Everytime I see the word gotten, it looks wrong...Or German haha.

Damn, I'm always tired.
I'm sure the fact that I get less than eight hours a night has nothing to do with that. *Eye roll*

I don't like math =/
Except for Algebra and whatever sudoku is. Haha.

Since I Am Now Glued to Here...

I'm doing a challenge thing.
Starting tomorrow =D

Day 1- Wishes and wants.
Day 2-  Song I relate to most.
Day 3- Favorite sad song.
Day 4- Favorite classic movie.
Day 5- Favorite legend.
Day 6- Favorite lyrics.
Day 7- All time favorite song.
Day 8- Favorite drama movie.
Day 9- Favorite love song.
Day 10- Favorite "happy" song.
Day 11- Favorite comedy movie.
Day 12- Favorite TV show.
Day 13- Favorite TV character.
Day 14- Describe my dream place or happy place.
Day 15- Write five letters, no guide lines.
Day 16- Most embarassing moment?
Day 17- Gather 17 quotes that really, truly mean something to you.
Day 18- Favorite horror movie.
Day 19- Something you're proud of.
Day 20- Cook something, take pictures, discuss it.
Day 21- What scares me most? And scariest moment.
Day 22- Favorite video.
Day 23- BIRTHDAY.
Day 24- Picture of something I'm proud of.
Day 25- What's changed my life the most?
Day 26- List of favorite songs.
Day 27- Thought day.
Day 28- List of things you hate.
Day 29- Five night dream journal.
Day 30- Bucket list.
Day 31- Summary of the month.

Guess Who Has An Awesome Hat!

I dooooooo.

I'm not talking about hours people...

TWENTY-FOUR
Days
Until
My
Seventeenth
BIRTHDAY.

And tattoo =D

Day 6 of Growing Up.

I haven't been reading a lot lately, which sucks to be honest.
I used to read all the time.
Last book I read was about a girl whose father raped her but she blocked it out and couldn't solve it. And she cut herself.
That was about...a week ago.
I was fascinated by it because it showed the frailty of the human mind and I could to relate to the reasons she cut for the most part.
It was Scars.

I'm fucked up haha.

On another note, I detest human interactions for their awkwardness.
...Besides hugs and cuddling.
Damn it.

Kisses are bad, mkay?
They made me and my friend awkward.
He's too mushy now.
I not want lovey-doveyness.
I sick. *COUGH COUGH COUGH*
No means no, mkay?
Ugh.

And. I blush too easily.
And, I'm awkward around people I don't know. So I blush even more.
Stupid blood that floods my face, bugger off.
Seriously.

I was shakey today, I get that way when I'm around people. Due to my anxiety.
It's like my hand drank loads of coffee, heh. McTwitchin'.
Gahdamnit.
I hate my body.
Stupid body... -_-

I'm tired.
...Really,
TIRED.

Today was slowwww =/

I hate make-up homework, homework, Physics (sorta), and everything else.

I've been punching things in my sleep. It's bad, I've cut up my knuckles >.<

Yeah...

Day 5 of Growing Up.

I was cleaning the living room all yesterday, to move furniture. It took all day because my family is full of piggies. But yeah, new couch...which is actually one of those futton bed thingies that convert into a couch. Yay.

I'd show a pic but currently, my little sister is sprawled out onto it.
Damn her.

The couch smells like weed. And when you sit on it, it kinda makes you smell like weed. Haha.
Don't ask how I know what thtat smells like...Teehee.

But yeah, damn it. Too much time and effort. Plus, I had a fever and I got really loopy.

Then my mom and I got into it. I almost left...I'm really frickin' tired of my family.

Day 4 of Growing Up.

I tried doing one earlier and it decided to be a bitch.

But yeah.
I'm in a bad mood.

Everyone can fucking ask for sooooo much but they can never give anything back.
It PISSES ME FUCKING OFF.

And also, people who decide to be buddy-buddy only when they fucking need something.

I hate people.

Dear everyone, one day I'm moving far, far away and I'm not coming back, not even to visit.
I'm going to Alaska or something.
Goddamnit.

I'm tired of it.

I'm best alone.

Day 3 of Growing Up.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up anymore.
GahDamnIt. >.<
A cop? A nurse?
I know I want to be an author but until it picks up, I won't have much money...
POOHIE ON YOU-IE.

I wish I could talk to Chef from South Park, he'd tell me what I need to do...and/or hit on me.
Hahaha.
I've been watching too much South Park.
I'm on season three, babeh.
Mehhhhhhh.

On Careercruising, here's my top ten:

1. Child and Youth Worker
2. Mental Health Nurse
3. Midwife
4. Psychologist
5. Social Worker
6. Psychiatric Aide
7. Art/Music Therapist
8. Director
9. Psychiatrist
10. Writer

I like that last one a bunch...Heh.
And after it is a Licensed Practical Nurse.
Fate? Perhaps.

URGH, I don't fucking know.
This sucks.
Really.
I don't wanna be po'.

Imma analyze this bitch...Haha.

Okay so it's between a Psychiatric Aide, which makes $8 to $19 dollars an hour and there's not too much schooling involved., and a Licensed Practical Nurse, which works on average 40 hours a week... $29,000 to $55,000 a year for most and not very much schooling either...
*Further looks* About $17,000 to $39,000 a year.

So probably a Licensed Practical Nurse. =D

Yayyyyy.

Day 2 of Growing Up.

Horribly sick. Watching South Park, season 1. Love it. "Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, seriously dude...I'm worried about you." "Shut up, Cartman, you ass-master." Hahaha.

I've been sleeping all the time and my body really hurts.
I'm hungry all the time but...I've been puking it all up. Which sucks.

So here's what it's been:
Go to bed early,
Get up really late,
Eat,
Barf,
Watch stuff on Netflix.
Today it's South Park, which I love.
Then go back to sleepy.

Not thinking much today, I'm just laughing.
And if you want a laugh, click this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=522GZea3638


Twenty-eight days until my birthday, it needs to hurry the fuck up. Hahaha.

Day 1 of Growing Up.

Yesterday, I decided I had had it.
I couldn't take it anymore.
So I basically told everyone to shove off. Only nicer than that.

I posted that note on facebook, I meant every word.

I learned something about myself,
I almost prefer to be alone.
I know why, too.
It's safer, less likely anyone will hurt me but myself.
I think I need to solve this shit myself.
I need to work on liking myself before I can fix anything, be anything.

I want to say something to someone...
Mia, you gave me some hope in people last night with that text.
You are such a good person and I appreciate it so much.
All I needed was that little hope to even keep going, you provided it.
Thank you so much, you brought tears to my eyes. But they were the good kind.
Love youuuu, no homo.

So writing will happen every day.

I stayed home today.
I went to bed early last night, about 10:30, yeah that's early for me and I got up at noon.
I am still tired, very tired.
And I know it's not being over-tired, I'm depressed.
I have been.
I can't sleep enough and my body hurts.
That's all due to depression.
I never feel well rested or "peppy".

In the past few hours of conciousness,
I've ate popcorn, yes...healthy haha.
I wrote that other post.
And that's pretty much it.
I'm thinking about either writing some more and listening to music or playing the Sims 2.

I just hope that I'm better by my birthday, which is in 29 days.
I want that tattoo. So bad.
I want to age.
I want to show everyone that I'm not giving up, that I'm stronger than they think I am.
I just want to show them, me.

I've Decided...

I've decided to write everything out because I think that was what I was born to do.
Maybe if I further my writing and let it mature, maybe I'll mature with it.
I've decided that, since very few people, aka just the very awesome Mia, read this. I'm going to only post on here while I "grow up".
I'm sure there'll be a few stumble-upons that will read this, so let me elaborate for you:

"I ask a favor...
Don't try to reach out to me, many have and many have failed.
I am never happy. Always tired, always hurt, always sad.
I don't ever want to bring anyone down, so just don't try.
Just...Don't.

I'm not going to be on facebook very much here soon because I don't really want to talk to anyone.And I might not be at school, too.I kind of just want to drop off the face of the earth.

But no worries, I'm not going to do anything stupid like I have in the past.I'm just growing up, dealing with it.And I'm choosing to deal with it alone.

Today, I pretty much lost any faith I had in people.I'm tired of being lied to, used, cheated on, talked about, worried about, led on, and hurt.
So do both you and I a favor and just leave me alone, please.

I want to thank those who have helped me in the past.It's all appreciated but I'm tired of wasting everybody's time.
Just face it, I'm too broken to fix.

I'm not putting the blame on anyone, I'll just say I've had enough of everthing/everyone.
Through the past ten, almost eleven, years I've struggled with being happy. Something always happens and defeats the purpose of even fighting it.

So thank you but goodbye."

That's the real me, that's my real wishes and wants.
I'm so tired of people trying to fix me like a broken toy. I don't need fixing because this wear and tear is part of me. If you can't love me the way I am, then I don't need you in my life.
I'll heal but it takes time. Not people trying to cram feelings down my throat.

I think that's what is taking so long...
Instead of being able to take that time to heal,
People rush in to fix it...
Me, a mess they didn't break
But helped ruin
Because, when someone is so broken...
People will want to try to fix it
And the person they're trying to fix
Gets attached.
But after awhile,
The fixer
Gives up.
And it breaks the broken even more.

That's what the first guy I ever loved tried to do.
He saw me as a porcelain doll that he could glue back together.
And while his intentions were good and his hopes were strong,
There was too much damage.
I grew so, so attached
But he realized he couldn't fix me.
And there was this beautiful, beautiful girl he knew who wasn't broken
And he fell madly in love with her,
Forgetting the ugly and broken me.

I used to blame it all on him but it wasn't him, it was me.

However, he got greedy.
He was in love with her and still a bit mesmerized by me.
He used me.
I won't tell you how.
But it completely severed a part of me from myself
Because he used my feelings against me.

Before he used me,
And after he left,
I was in shambles.
I tried to kill myself.
Stupid, right?


I went about life, not feeling much of anything
Because the last time I had truly felt anything,
It was used against me,
Just like I was used.

There were other factors that had me unhappy:

• The years of bullying.
• The constant fighting between my family and I, and also, the fighting between my family and family.
• Then also, the anorexia and bulimia.

I could never be happy with myself.
I was always too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too everything bad.
I'd do anything to look nice, be smarter, be popular.

But,
I fell in love
Yet again...
Conor.
He was broken
Just like me.
We fell in love fast.
But there were problems.
He lived far,
Far,
Away.
He had problems.
I had problems.
We'd be bitter.
He'd get drunk
And say horrible,
Horrible,
Things.
We were engaged at seven months
But at about nine...
It hurt too much
And I couldn't take it.
I wanted a break
But he couldn't do it.
So it was over.

I think what happened was that we rushed too much.
It was hard but I think I was beginning to take the right steps.
It was a toxic thing to be wrapped up in.
Two broken things are just not meant to be together, even with duct-tape.
It's a quick fix and a stupid solution.
I don't blame him for what happened.

The sad thing is...
I still love both of them.
I'm the type of person who never stops loving someone.
I cling to the good memories and feelings
And so desperately try to forget the bad.

Even after the things that were done and said...
I love them.

I think there might be something wrong with me for it.
Maybe I'm too weak and I need to hold on to that to remain stable,
But some people think I'm strong for it.
They say it takes a strong person to forgive
And they think that since I'm doing that,
It's making me even stronger
And maybe I'll be strong enough to overcome everything.

I don't know.
I know what I have done and while they know some of it,
They know not all of it.
They don't know to what extent I feel things, either.
Mom and dad say I'm too sensitive
And I know I am
So how can I be so "strong"?
You don't need to answer that but maybe if you do, I'll have some more insight.
I expect nothing
And I want to say thank you for reading this.