I've Decided...

I've decided to write everything out because I think that was what I was born to do.
Maybe if I further my writing and let it mature, maybe I'll mature with it.
I've decided that, since very few people, aka just the very awesome Mia, read this. I'm going to only post on here while I "grow up".
I'm sure there'll be a few stumble-upons that will read this, so let me elaborate for you:

"I ask a favor...
Don't try to reach out to me, many have and many have failed.
I am never happy. Always tired, always hurt, always sad.
I don't ever want to bring anyone down, so just don't try.
Just...Don't.

I'm not going to be on facebook very much here soon because I don't really want to talk to anyone.And I might not be at school, too.I kind of just want to drop off the face of the earth.

But no worries, I'm not going to do anything stupid like I have in the past.I'm just growing up, dealing with it.And I'm choosing to deal with it alone.

Today, I pretty much lost any faith I had in people.I'm tired of being lied to, used, cheated on, talked about, worried about, led on, and hurt.
So do both you and I a favor and just leave me alone, please.

I want to thank those who have helped me in the past.It's all appreciated but I'm tired of wasting everybody's time.
Just face it, I'm too broken to fix.

I'm not putting the blame on anyone, I'll just say I've had enough of everthing/everyone.
Through the past ten, almost eleven, years I've struggled with being happy. Something always happens and defeats the purpose of even fighting it.

So thank you but goodbye."

That's the real me, that's my real wishes and wants.
I'm so tired of people trying to fix me like a broken toy. I don't need fixing because this wear and tear is part of me. If you can't love me the way I am, then I don't need you in my life.
I'll heal but it takes time. Not people trying to cram feelings down my throat.

I think that's what is taking so long...
Instead of being able to take that time to heal,
People rush in to fix it...
Me, a mess they didn't break
But helped ruin
Because, when someone is so broken...
People will want to try to fix it
And the person they're trying to fix
Gets attached.
But after awhile,
The fixer
Gives up.
And it breaks the broken even more.

That's what the first guy I ever loved tried to do.
He saw me as a porcelain doll that he could glue back together.
And while his intentions were good and his hopes were strong,
There was too much damage.
I grew so, so attached
But he realized he couldn't fix me.
And there was this beautiful, beautiful girl he knew who wasn't broken
And he fell madly in love with her,
Forgetting the ugly and broken me.

I used to blame it all on him but it wasn't him, it was me.

However, he got greedy.
He was in love with her and still a bit mesmerized by me.
He used me.
I won't tell you how.
But it completely severed a part of me from myself
Because he used my feelings against me.

Before he used me,
And after he left,
I was in shambles.
I tried to kill myself.
Stupid, right?


I went about life, not feeling much of anything
Because the last time I had truly felt anything,
It was used against me,
Just like I was used.

There were other factors that had me unhappy:

• The years of bullying.
• The constant fighting between my family and I, and also, the fighting between my family and family.
• Then also, the anorexia and bulimia.

I could never be happy with myself.
I was always too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too everything bad.
I'd do anything to look nice, be smarter, be popular.

But,
I fell in love
Yet again...
Conor.
He was broken
Just like me.
We fell in love fast.
But there were problems.
He lived far,
Far,
Away.
He had problems.
I had problems.
We'd be bitter.
He'd get drunk
And say horrible,
Horrible,
Things.
We were engaged at seven months
But at about nine...
It hurt too much
And I couldn't take it.
I wanted a break
But he couldn't do it.
So it was over.

I think what happened was that we rushed too much.
It was hard but I think I was beginning to take the right steps.
It was a toxic thing to be wrapped up in.
Two broken things are just not meant to be together, even with duct-tape.
It's a quick fix and a stupid solution.
I don't blame him for what happened.

The sad thing is...
I still love both of them.
I'm the type of person who never stops loving someone.
I cling to the good memories and feelings
And so desperately try to forget the bad.

Even after the things that were done and said...
I love them.

I think there might be something wrong with me for it.
Maybe I'm too weak and I need to hold on to that to remain stable,
But some people think I'm strong for it.
They say it takes a strong person to forgive
And they think that since I'm doing that,
It's making me even stronger
And maybe I'll be strong enough to overcome everything.

I don't know.
I know what I have done and while they know some of it,
They know not all of it.
They don't know to what extent I feel things, either.
Mom and dad say I'm too sensitive
And I know I am
So how can I be so "strong"?
You don't need to answer that but maybe if you do, I'll have some more insight.
I expect nothing
And I want to say thank you for reading this.